Yesterday

Yesterday was HARD.  It's funny because I thought doing all the paperwork, interviews, training and waiting to be picked was all going to be the hardest part. Really, ever since we were chosen and met and bonded with the boys but didn't get to bring them home has been the hardest part. (Did any of that even make sense?)

But, yesterday. Yesterday was D's birthday. And we couldn't celebrate it with him in person. Honestly, it's just hard to be missing these things. We've already missed his other birthdays so to miss one more shouldn't be a big deal but it just was. We knew about this birthday. (We also knew that it was unlikely we would get to spend it with him). But just the fact that we knew it was his birthday and we couldn't celebrate it with him in person was awful.

Thank God for FaceTime! We were able to FaceTime with him last night and watch him open the gift we had sent him. We sent L something too, which he was really excited about! I remember being a kid and my grandma would always bring me a gift (something small) when it was my brothers' birthdays so I wouldn't feel left out so we made sure to send L something so he wouldn't feel left out and he was so excited, it was adorable! The FaceTime made me feel a little better because at least we were able to see him on his birthday. (How people adopted before FaceTime I have no clue! I would be so depressed all the time if I couldn't see/talk to my boys at least once a week).

I hate not being with them. But their foster parents! Oh, they are so wonderful! The more we get to know them, the more I realize how blessed we are that they were chosen as the temporary home. They go out of their way to make sure we are involved. There are so, so many blessings in this adoption.

I realized wayyy back at the very start of the whole process that this was going to be a lesson in patience and oh boy is it! If only things worked on my time frame, the boys would have been here 3 months ago!! But it's not my time frame, it's God's and He knows what He's doing.

Yesterday was a hard day. There have been a lot of those and I think there will be more. But there have also been beautiful, wonderful days and I know there will be a lot more of those to come.

xoxo
nikki

Never Too Much Love

*I wrote this a couple days ago but was unsure about posting it because it shows a side of me that I'm not proud of. But I've always tried to be open and real and THIS is real life.*

Y'all I have really been struggling the last week and a half. The kind of struggling where I hide out, don't want to see anyone, go anywhere, talk about it (except to my hubs of course).

This Adoption has put me through A LOT. I've gone through what I thought was every emotion. I've struggled with impatience, anger, and frustration. I've leaned on God A LOT. But the last week and a half have been downright hard.

When we went to visit our boys, we were told that it was likely that their foster parent's license was not going to be renewed, it expired at the end of January, and the boys would have to be moved to another home. I was uncomfortable with that then but I had no choice. They had to be in a foster home until they could move out here. At that point no one knew where they would go. Well, her license was not renewed and a week and half ago they were moved to a foster home with two parents. We had no communication with the foster parents or the boys for 5 days. Those were some of the longest 5 days of my life. I had no idea where they were, what they were doing, or how they were adjusting. Finally, after 5 days we had a phone call with the parents and set up to FaceTime the next day. When we finally got to FaceTime the boys looked happy, healthy and they seemed to be bonding well.

Good news, right? Yes, wonderful news! However, the green-eyed monster (jealousy) had bitten me. I felt more jealousy than I had ever felt in my life before. Adoption is born out OF LOSS, they teach you that in every class you go to. Going into this you know that your children have birth parents and foster parents. That they have already called someone else "Mom and Dad". They have already been attached to these people. They teach you about attachment and attachment disorder. They tell you that you are not the first "mom and dad" but hopefully you will be the last. Knowing all of this, I was shocked by the jealousy I was feeling.

I didn't want them bonding with a "new mom and dad". I hated that they were taking them out and having fun with them and I wasn't. My boys are happy, they are having fun and yet I was jealous. I wanted to be doing those things with them. The foster parents were open to us FaceTiming 2-3 times a week and yet I was still jealous. They post pictures for us to see EVERY NIGHT and yet I was still jealous.

Y'all I have struggled more with jealousy in the last week and a half then I ever have before in my whole life. (And that includes when my fertility treatments were failing and it seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant). And I was really, really failing with dealing with it. I knew why I was jealous but I didn't know how to get past it. I didn't know how to let it go. I knew that my boys were in the best home possible for right now. I knew that they were happy and healthy and that was the best. But I still hated it. These loving, wonderful people were posting pictures for me to see and yet I couldn't look at them. I couldn't handle seeing all four of them together smiling like a happy family. This made me feel AWFUL about myself.

And so one night I took it to God. I simply prayed for him to help me deal with my struggles. And the thought occurred to me "THERE CAN NEVER BE TOO MUCH LOVE". NEVER. There will NEVER be TOO MANY people who love and care about my boys. Even though I can't be with them right now, I will be soon and the best thing I can ask for is that they are cared for and loved for until I can do it.

And after taking my struggle to God and hearing his answer, my jealousy disappeared. I was able to focus and see the good again. The good being these wonderful, wonderful people who were willing to take my boys in, love them, bond with them and take care of them.

I am so thankful for a God that loves me despite ALL my faults. And that he never, ever leaves me. He is always there, waiting for me to turn to him so that He can help me.

xoxo
nikki

2 Things Happened Yesterday: 1 Heartbreaking, 1 Heartwarming

Let's start with the heartbreaking one first. We castrated our dog, according to the vet. Since when do they call neutering, castration? He was so pitiful when he came home :(

He was just begging me to get that cone off :( 

The vet told us he needed to wear the cone for TWO WEEKS! And he needed to not jump up on things or really be active at all. Um, have you ever met a Havanese before?! He sleeps with one eye open! He doesn't slow down, he loves to run and jump on EVERYTHING! One day home and he's already jumping up on the couch and going down the outside stairs even though I try to stop him and carry him. PLUS he wasn't home long before we realized that the cone DOESN'T prevent him from licking his wound! WHAT?! So at midnight last night (when we realized this), Cliff looked up that other people put their dogs in onesies and he ran to Wal-Mart to get one. 

Now Chewey looks like this:

He has also decided that he does not want to leave my side:

At this point we are just really hoping he heals quickly because right now he is still very sleepy but once he gets back to his normal self it is going to be REALLY difficult to get him to sleep and be still. 

Now for the heartwarming thing! WE FINALLY GOT TO FACETIME OUR BOYS LAST NIGHT!!! After a week (which seems like a REALLY long time) of not being able to even talk to them, seeing their cute faces was so good for my soul! They are happy and healthy and doing really well! 

They were running around with the iPad showing us everything! Their new foster home has two dogs, also a little and a big one, so they had to show us both and then we showed them both of our dogs! B got an Awesome necklace from school for doing his homework, went on a field trip and then their foster dad took them to the park and they played basketball! L is not very talkative but he showed us how he can act like a dog and showed us his new light up Batman watch! 

Then they both told us they love us (for the first time)!!!! Nothing will make you melt into a puddle faster than hearing that from your kids whom you only met once!! I about started crying!!

They handed the pad back to the foster dad after that and we said goodbye to him and hung up. Two seconds later our iPad rings again, so we answer it thinking something is wrong and it was just the boys who were upset that they didn't get to say goodbye so they had called just to say goodbye!! We scheduled another FaceTime for Saturday! 

Even though the paperwork seems to be taking forever, it is being worked on. The negotiations are going well and it is going as fast as I think it could. Still doesn't seem fast enough! We know this is all in God's time table and everything will happen as it is supposed too.

xoxo
nikki

Meeting the Kids

Ok, here's a very long post about meeting our kids for the FIRST time!

The first thing we had to do was have a meeting with their caseworker, adoption caseworker and their boss. We went over a "parenting plan", basically it said when we could pick the boys up and when we would bring them to their home. Sunday night, if everyone was comfortable, we were allowed to have them sleep over at our hotel and we would drop them off at school on Monday morning. Once that was all decided and every t had been crossed and i had been dotted, (which I think took about an hour but felt like an eternity because we were ready to meet them!) we followed them to the kids' school. When they came out, the caseworker brought them over to our car (it was raining) and we said a quick hello! It was so incredible to meet them in person finally!! They seemed nervous, as were we, so we were unsure if they would be open to hugs or not. We then followed them to a restaurant and when we all got out of our cars, they both ran up to us and gave us hugs!!! (Fear vanished!) They each took one of our hands and we walked into the restaurant. I ordered a salad but basically picked at it, as we were both too busy watching the kids and asking them questions about their favorite things, foods, toys, superheroes, sports and things they didn't like. L was a little quieter than B but he is also younger so I think he is used to B answering for him. It was a little hard to get to know them because it felt like we were being watched. (Which we were). I felt pressure to bond with them immediately and get to know everything about them all at once. After lunch, we went back to the cars where they hugged us goodbye and we told them we would pick them up in the morning. 

The next morning we drove to their foster home and they were waiting and ready to go! We took them to an arcade, lunch, a park, out to dinner and then we took them back to their home. When we were at the park, running around with these little munchkins, it suddenly hit me that we were a family. This was going to be life now and I am so so excited. We had SO MUCH FUN. When we were driving them home, B asked me if they were sleeping over that night and when I said no, he was a little disappointed. The bonding was so immediate, they both gave us hugs multiple times during the day and L would run up at any moment to give us hugs. Earlier in the day, Cliff asked them if they knew what adoption meant and told them that we were going to be their forever family and they could call us by our names or they could call us Mom and Dad whenever they were comfortable. They flip flopped a little the first day, sometimes calling us by our names and sometimes calling us Mom & Dad when one of us was gone. For example, when I went to get their food they asked Cliff were Mom was. Dropping them off at their home was so so hard! We wanted to keep them overnight but it wasn't in the plan.

When we picked up B&L the next day, they were so excited because today was the day they got to spend the night!! We went to a museum, which was where L called me Mom for the first time and I didn't even turn around because I'm not used to being called Mom! Then we went to lunch, the store to buy some legos and back to the hotel. Hubs then left to go get pizza. I was sitting on one bed, the kids were on the other bed and B said "I'm going to come sit by you, Mom"! My heart melted! We built their legos, they played Mario on our phones, and they asked me where Dad was. Heart melted again! When he got back, they were so excited to see him and gave him hugs! They went to sleep as well as can be expected for being in a hotel room and woke up really well. As we were driving them to school, L said "I can't wait to tell my friends I got new parents!!" I about died, it was so adorable! Dropping them off at school was one of the hardest things I've ever done. We were uncertain about when we would see them again, as we were leaving that day, so we couldn't tell them "see you next week or in two weeks". I'm not sure L understood that we weren't picking him up later but B knew and as we drove away he looked so sad, I wanted to just take him with us. 

It was the BEST trip ever! I had so many fears going into meeting them and NONE of them came true. They are two of the most respectful, caring, sharing, polite kids I have ever met and it is unbelievable that they have been in the system. We miss them SO MUCH! We do get to talk to them on the phone which is nice, however difficult because they are just not phone talkers. It also breaks my heart every time one of them asks when they are coming out here. We have no answer to that question and I wish so much that we did! 

xoxo

nikki