Never Too Much Love

*I wrote this a couple days ago but was unsure about posting it because it shows a side of me that I'm not proud of. But I've always tried to be open and real and THIS is real life.*

Y'all I have really been struggling the last week and a half. The kind of struggling where I hide out, don't want to see anyone, go anywhere, talk about it (except to my hubs of course).

This Adoption has put me through A LOT. I've gone through what I thought was every emotion. I've struggled with impatience, anger, and frustration. I've leaned on God A LOT. But the last week and a half have been downright hard.

When we went to visit our boys, we were told that it was likely that their foster parent's license was not going to be renewed, it expired at the end of January, and the boys would have to be moved to another home. I was uncomfortable with that then but I had no choice. They had to be in a foster home until they could move out here. At that point no one knew where they would go. Well, her license was not renewed and a week and half ago they were moved to a foster home with two parents. We had no communication with the foster parents or the boys for 5 days. Those were some of the longest 5 days of my life. I had no idea where they were, what they were doing, or how they were adjusting. Finally, after 5 days we had a phone call with the parents and set up to FaceTime the next day. When we finally got to FaceTime the boys looked happy, healthy and they seemed to be bonding well.

Good news, right? Yes, wonderful news! However, the green-eyed monster (jealousy) had bitten me. I felt more jealousy than I had ever felt in my life before. Adoption is born out OF LOSS, they teach you that in every class you go to. Going into this you know that your children have birth parents and foster parents. That they have already called someone else "Mom and Dad". They have already been attached to these people. They teach you about attachment and attachment disorder. They tell you that you are not the first "mom and dad" but hopefully you will be the last. Knowing all of this, I was shocked by the jealousy I was feeling.

I didn't want them bonding with a "new mom and dad". I hated that they were taking them out and having fun with them and I wasn't. My boys are happy, they are having fun and yet I was jealous. I wanted to be doing those things with them. The foster parents were open to us FaceTiming 2-3 times a week and yet I was still jealous. They post pictures for us to see EVERY NIGHT and yet I was still jealous.

Y'all I have struggled more with jealousy in the last week and a half then I ever have before in my whole life. (And that includes when my fertility treatments were failing and it seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant). And I was really, really failing with dealing with it. I knew why I was jealous but I didn't know how to get past it. I didn't know how to let it go. I knew that my boys were in the best home possible for right now. I knew that they were happy and healthy and that was the best. But I still hated it. These loving, wonderful people were posting pictures for me to see and yet I couldn't look at them. I couldn't handle seeing all four of them together smiling like a happy family. This made me feel AWFUL about myself.

And so one night I took it to God. I simply prayed for him to help me deal with my struggles. And the thought occurred to me "THERE CAN NEVER BE TOO MUCH LOVE". NEVER. There will NEVER be TOO MANY people who love and care about my boys. Even though I can't be with them right now, I will be soon and the best thing I can ask for is that they are cared for and loved for until I can do it.

And after taking my struggle to God and hearing his answer, my jealousy disappeared. I was able to focus and see the good again. The good being these wonderful, wonderful people who were willing to take my boys in, love them, bond with them and take care of them.

I am so thankful for a God that loves me despite ALL my faults. And that he never, ever leaves me. He is always there, waiting for me to turn to him so that He can help me.

xoxo
nikki